


Not Supposed To Be This Way

by April_Valentine



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Angst, Grief, M/M, Possible Character Death, Prose Poem, spoilers for season 9?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-31
Updated: 2018-05-31
Packaged: 2019-05-16 08:35:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14807949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/April_Valentine/pseuds/April_Valentine
Summary: Spoilers for what could possibly happen in season 9. Forgive me if you've been off the internet or somehow living under a rock and haven't seen the reports. I'd rather not have seen them myself.





	Not Supposed To Be This Way

Not supposed to be this way…

 

That’s all I can think, the only words running through my mind.

It’s not supposed to be you

That’s not going to be here

That’s not supposed to be gone

That’s not supposed to be…

_Dead._

I want to crawl away and let everything go

Forget the way you made me feel

Like I was worth something,  
Like I was a good person,  
Like someone could love me.

We’re here together

For the last time

Something I never thought  
Would happen.

But so many things have happened

In this terrible world we’ve been surviving,

So much death,

So much pain,

So much loss.

And this one…

It’s not supposed to happen,

Not supposed to

Because it’s unbearable

Inconceivable

Irretrievable.

It’s cutting a hole inside my heart

The heart that only opened up  
When I met you  
When you shouted my name  
When you looked to me  
Wanted me by your side

When you touched me.

Those sweet nights we shared are locked inside my  
Breaking heart now,  
They belong to me alone,  
Never spoken of,  
Never to be repeated  
What was once our secret  
Will now be mine alone.

My secret to keep  
To treasure  
To mourn.

Because I’m not supposed to go on  
Without you.  
Not supposed to be alive in a world  
That doesn’t have you in it.

I’ve defined myself by my place  
At your side  
Not as a man by himself  
Alone

And now, holding your hand in mine  
Feeling your life ebb away –  
all the while fighting back my sobs of despair –  
I know our family  
Is out there waiting for me.

They are looking to me now.

To step up.  
To be their leader.  
To keep them together,  
Keep us all alive.

How did you do it all that time?

How can I do it on my own?

Your eyes find mine as the darkness surrounds us

There’s something there  
That I can see even though you cannot form the words  
Your eyes tell me what I need to hear  
…though I don’t want to hear it, _anything_ but this…  
That you believe in me

You always have  
And you are telling me that I can do it.

It’s the final step in my growth,  
You say, your eyes so blue, so true, so pure  
I cannot look away,  
Nor would I ever unless I had to…

I can do it.

I hear it in your gruff drawl,  
Your husky tone  
Your deep Southern song of love  
Given only to me

I hear it, despite the silence  
That will fill me from now on.

I hear it, despite the grief  
That will try to break me down.

Your eyes say _yes_ …

Are you sure? Because… I’m not what you  
Are.

I’m no sheriff.  
I’m no stalwart boy scout  
I’m no leader  
No husbandfatherhonestmanoflaw

I’m just a cranky loner redneck worthless…

“Daryl…” your voice, faint and dry and yet so pure  
Washes over my aching soul like balm

God, I need it so much.  
Your voice  
Your eyes  
Your _belief_ in me

And knowing it won’t be there  
Terrifies me more than anything,  
More than being beaten by my father,  
More than walkers,  
Or the governor,  
Or Negan,  
Or losing those we hold most dear…

But your eyes hold me  
Tell me things I never knew how to ask

That I can do it.  
That I’m worth it.  
That I can step up  
And lead in your place.

It’s not supposed to be this way…

But it is.

I squeeze your hand one last time.  
Lean forward to press my lips  
Against yours  
Memorize their taste,  
Their feel,  
Their loveliness.

And then I stand and draw my breath  
Deep into my  
Aching lungs.

And turn and step out to face  
Our people.

Mine now to lead.  
To keep safe  
For you.

Always for you, Rick.  
Always for you.

**Author's Note:**

> I've been reading the news reports all day, trying to be in denial. To think it's all just hype, or false. Or just plain wrong. But I've started to think maybe it isn't. That this will happen. That we will have TWD without Rick. And with Daryl taking over as lead of the show.
> 
> I cannot bear this. I do not want this. But if it is real, this is how I see it possibly happening. 
> 
> As always, I had to attempt to work through my feelings by writing. I'm not sure if it's helped any. Time will tell.


End file.
